21 November 2012

So I figured that those of you who noticed my absence deserved an apology, or at least an explanation. The truth is, I don't really have much of one. There are certain things I've struggled with in my past, and new things that have only just come up, and none of it's easy at all. These past few months have been really hard, and the more I tried to deal with it in my real life, the more I pulled away from my online friends. It's really rare for me to even talk to anyone these days, and as time went on I got very discouraged by the lack of people who seemed to even notice (with the exception of PiB, who always asked how I was doing and whom I appreciated very much during all of this), which is why I unfollowed everyone I cared about and eventually deleted my Tumblr altogether.

There are certain people, or at least a person, to whom my absence really hasn't been fair. It's particularly not fair because I'm a hypocrite, or at least a really bad friend. I don't have any excuses, really, other than the fact that I was probably a bad friend before any of this. I don't think I ever got over the months I spent last winter without my best friend, and when it happened again I was definitely not equipped to go through the same thing. The truth is that I could have been a better friend and tried to understand, but I didn't. I was selfish- I am selfish. When I was diagnosed last month, all I could think about was how much I really missed the people in my life that I would have talked to about it before, and I've been so focused on myself and my problems that I stopped caring about other people's.

All things considered, I don't really expect to be around in your community any longer. I'll really miss it, and the friends I made from being part of it. But I never really felt like I fit in much in the first place, which was really my own fault for not making more of an effort to be visible. At any rate, I'm done writing for a while. I haven't been able to write anything for months; I don't know if it's my depression keeping me from doing anything, or if I genuinely don't have any muse left for the Pesces and the story I created around them. I'd like to say I'll return one day, but I probably won't. I get too sad when I think about everything related to it, and I think I just need to look around for something that makes me feel happy again. I don't know what that is yet, but hopefully I'll know it when I find it.

So, I'm sorry. I wish I could have done things differently, or at least felt differently about everything. Really, when it comes down to it, you deserve better than me.

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